First, I've been reading Brené Brown's new book Rising Strong and am trying to apply some of her theories (because brilliance!) and this is the result of a little "rumble" as she calls it.
Second, I'm not an athlete. Never have been. In high school, all my friends were athletes but I, I was a singer.
All my life I've been drawn to doing the things I'm good at. I suppose this is natural- but somehow that turned into a serious issue with failure and good- enough-ness.
I don't do things I'm not good at because of the shame I associate with failure and not good-enough-ness. This has festered in me for so many years I've actually grown to despise sports. Like, literally.
Like, I can't even be a fan of sports as I've built up such a negative attitude about them. I'm not good enough to do it so why would I watch? Why would I care?
This is the story I've been telling myself for many years.
Fast forward to the present. I'm the mom of a 6 year old boy who wants to play sports.
Ok fine. In the past year we've done karate, t-ball, swimming and today began soccer.
I've sat through games and lessons, half watching, half covering my eyes for a year.
But today, today was rough. Today at soccer I had lots of anxiety and shame and worry.
My boy is the youngest on the team (despite my pleas). He's never played soccer before. He doesn't know what he's doing.
He doesn't know what he's doing so he's doing nothing! Literally doing nothing on the field.
I felt like I needed to explain all this to the other parents, to the coach, to the mom of the soccer star (because there is always a star).
What are all these feelings about?!
Why can't I just let him be?!
And as the morning progressed- it became clear.
I was making my good-enough-ness story HIS good-enough-ness story. (Projection, if I recall)
I was empathizing with his feelings of comparison to the older kids- while he wasn't even concerned with them!
I was making my "I'm not good at sports" his fixed mind set the minute he stepped on that field.
Sigh. Well that sucks. For him and for me!
There was my boy. Standing on a field. Enjoying himself. Getting some fresh air and exercise. Running after a ball (if he felt like it!) and trying. Trying something new without a care in the world if he was good at it or not!
How brave is he?
And then there was me. Judging and comparing. All those pressures I've put on myself projected onto him.
I know where this came from. I can identify its origin. And I know it did him no good in life, either.
My revolution: Next week, I will breathe. I will tell myself a different story about my boy's abilities and I'll remember that he may "not be good at this"....yet! Because I know that in 8 weeks when this season is over, he'll have learned lots, laughed lots and made some new friends. He may not be the next Christian Ronaldo, but he's brave. And what's better than that?!
If I want my children to grow up with a different story, then a different story I need to write .
This is so apropos because I spent the morning at Ryan's Taekwondo tournament where he was the only one in his division to not win & get a trophy. He's 14, but had to compete with 15-17 year olds because his birthday is next month. He was also the only 1st degree black belt and there was 1 world champion, 2 state champions, and other various district champions among his competition.They were all better than him (something he mentioned himself), but I feel so bad when he tries so hard & isn't able to win against these kids. This is the 4th year in a row that he hasn't won. (1 year they put him in the wrong age group & another year several state champs from the midwest came and won everything). I feel like he really held his own against these much more experienced kids, and I hope my support was enough for him. But I feel ya!
ReplyDeleteWell written soccer mom:) kids are so sensitive to emotions and feeling.Support them and watch them grow. He is going to learn some pretty cool morals and experience some amazing feelings. Teamwork, Confidence, Winning, Losing, Camaraderie and he may even make some lifelong friendships. Wether he chases the ball or stands there and watches the game you will see a difference in him by the end of the season.You and soccer dad are doing great . Just be there for him and show him support. Tell Dad to stop following him...it's embarrassing ;) See you next Saturday.
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