Soccer, vulnerability, growth mind set and parenting....

I need to start with a little background info.

First, I've been reading Brené Brown's new book Rising Strong and am trying to apply some of her theories (because brilliance!) and this is the result of a little "rumble" as she calls it.

Second, I'm not an athlete. Never have been. In high school, all my friends were athletes but I, I was a singer. 

All my life I've been drawn to doing the things I'm good at. I suppose this is natural- but somehow that turned into a serious issue with failure and good- enough-ness. 

I don't do things I'm not good at because of the shame I associate with failure and not good-enough-ness. This has festered in me for so many years I've actually grown to despise sports. Like, literally. 

Like, I can't even be a fan of sports as I've built up such a negative attitude about them. I'm not good enough to do it so why would I watch? Why would I care? 

This is the story I've been telling myself for many years.

Fast forward to the present. I'm the mom of a 6 year old boy who wants to play sports. 

Ok fine. In the past year we've done karate, t-ball, swimming and today began soccer.

I've sat through games and lessons, half watching,  half covering my eyes for a year.

 But today, today was rough. Today at soccer I had lots of anxiety and shame and worry. 

My boy is the youngest on the team (despite my pleas). He's never played soccer before. He doesn't know what he's doing. 

He doesn't know what he's doing so he's doing nothing! Literally doing nothing on the field.

I felt like I needed to explain all this to the other parents, to the coach, to the mom of the soccer star (because there is always a star). 

What are all these feelings about?!

Why can't I just let him be?!

And as the morning progressed- it became clear.

I was making my good-enough-ness story HIS good-enough-ness story. (Projection, if I recall) 

I was empathizing with his feelings of comparison to the older kids- while he wasn't even concerned with them!

I was making my "I'm not good at sports" his fixed mind set the minute he stepped on that field. 

Sigh. Well that sucks. For him and for me!

There was my boy. Standing on a field. Enjoying himself. Getting some fresh air and exercise. Running after a ball (if he felt like it!) and trying. Trying something new without a care in the world if he was good at it or not!

How brave is he?

And then there was me. Judging and comparing. All those pressures I've put on myself projected onto him.

I know where this came from. I can identify its origin. And I know it did him no good in life, either. 

My revolution: Next week, I will breathe. I will tell myself a different story about my boy's abilities and I'll remember that he may "not be good at this"....yet! Because I know that in 8 weeks when this season is over, he'll have learned lots, laughed lots and made some new friends. He may not be the next Christian Ronaldo, but he's brave. And what's better than that?!

If I want my children to grow up with a different story, then a different story I need to write .

"Be impeccable with your word"

This quote is from a life-changing book called The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. I've been thinking about this particular agreement a lot lately. "Be Impeccable With Your Word". Powerful stuff! These days words get tossed around- texted, tweeted, posted. Rarely are they used in an impeccable manner.

The words we use everyday- to speak to ourselves, our children and others- define us. They project on the universe a picture of who it is we make ourselves to be. 

Speaking our truth, our struggle and our triumph makes us vulnerable. Opens us up to criticism and critique. But our truth is all we have. 

Amazing author and researcher, Brene Brown has done some incredible work on vulnerability. She describes vulnerability as "showing up and being seen". 

Recently I found the need (a compulsion perhaps) to be seen, or rather heard, in my most favorite way: a brilliantly composed letter on an issue I am passionate about.

Unfortunately (I guess?) it wasn't received well. In fact, I was admonished for sharing my view. 

In the past, I likely would have crawled  into a hole, regretting my actions. Rehashing the event and how I could have/ should have chosen differently. 

But this time, this time I did not do that. 

Sure, it didn't feel good to get "in trouble". Sure, I wondered about lingering repercussions. 

But in the end- I had an opinion and  information and I shared it. I put myself out there and "spoke for the trees". I said what I meant, and I did so "impeccably"!

And after all...