Finding Your Way in the Wilderness- Lessons on Creating a Life You Want to Live

Recently, I’ve been making my way back through Brené Brown’s work. A big change in the way I spend my days has invited me back to a place of reflection on how I am and who I want to be in this world.

This week, I re-read Braving the Wilderness. A look at belonging based on a Maya Angelou quote discussing how “belonging” is not to a place or to a people- but to yourself. And when you truly belong to you, that’s when you belong wherever it is you find yourself. Even in the wilderness.

Who are you? What do you believe?

These are big questions.

Simultaneously, I was a guest on a podcast. A local IG- turning to real life friend- Nina McGoff started a podcast called “Making Fit Work” and tapped me to discuss how I make fitness work in my life.

For a podcast junkie like myself, this was such a fun opportunity! 

As the release date of the podcast crept closer, I started to panic a little.

Was I reinforcing diet culture with my comments?

Was I going to make other listeners lean to the obsessive snd compulsive behaviors I had spent so much time healing?

Was I saying too much?

And while I’m sure much of this was a vulnerability hang over, there was something else there too.

During our conversation, Nina and I never spoke of my disordered past with eating and exercise. It just didn’t come up because it’s not my reality anymore.

Instead, we talked about the habits I have created and cultivated that have left me feeling fitter and more fabulous at 41 then I have ever felt (ya know, mostly). And mom-guilt  and giving yourself permission to take time for you. 

We talked about my now. 

As I thought about all this I realized, I finally belong to me in this one, tender piece of life. I have forged a path through the wilderness away from disordered eating, away from obsessive compulsion and comparison, away from sickness and toward healing, away from restriction and toward ease.

I have stood alone in the wilderness building resistance against the constant cry of companies wanting to sell me their shakes and powders and meal plans, learning to say “good for them but not for me” when I hear my friends jumping on a ban wagon “health” trend. I have learned to be silent or walk away from diet conversations that I know will trigger me. I don’t identify with diet culture.

But neither do I identify with the anti- diet rhetoric I clung so tightly to at the beginning of my healing journey. Was I chewing gum because I was suppressing my appetite? No, I just really love gum. Was I eating protein because I am scared of carbs? No, protein satiates me more and feels better to my belly. 

All of this questioning and reflection, this deciding means that sometimes  I am, in fact, standing alone. But what I realized is, I am standing with me. 

I am working on cultivating a life I really like to live. At this moment that includes lots of movement, some exercise, some Crossfit, eating nourishing (and easy!) foods. 

It involves listening to this body of mine and giving her what She needs. Be it rest or chocolate or sweat or protein. Turns out She knows what She needs.

And if I hadn’t made my way out to the wilderness, where it’s quiet, I may not have ever learned to hear Her.

So here I am today, on a podcast, talking about how I wake up at 4:44 am to get my workout in. And I’m good here, because here is a place I’ve uncovered. Here is a place where I belong to me. Here is where I find my joy.

Getting older gets a bad rap, and sure my knees hurt when I run but I know myself and I’m willing to be myself in a way I never was before. 

And that’s pretty good too.

So, my wish for you is to have the courage to wander into the wilderness and find your true belonging.And then talk about it on a podcast :) 

What is mental health anyway?

In order for me to truly understand a concept, a word, an idea- I need to know it fully. In order to apply it, I need repeated exposures and concrete examples. This is how I learn. 

This past spring, I walked into the school counselors office (aka my friend and therapist for whom I don’t have a co-pay) and asked her “What does mental health mean?”. 

For a phrase that’s used so much, in so many ways, it was an illusive concept to me.

We chatted about the word along with related concepts such as social-emotional and self-care and mental illness. But I still wasn’t at a true place of understanding.

Fast forward a few months when said counselor-free therapist- friend recommended I watch Oprah Winfrey’s special “The Me You Can’t See”. 

This is a brilliant series co-hosted by Prince Harry (is that still his title?) about mental health. It made the concept so much more concrete for me so I thought I’d share what I have learned.

I think “mental health” should just be called “health” or better yet “wellness”. But not the kind of wellness you buy from a direct sales company that comes in a tube. 

Wellness- are you well? 

As I look back at my own life, hindsight clearly shows me when I’ve been well and what I’ve not. 

When I became orthorexic, it was about control. I lacked control in my life so as a remedy to that I attempted to assert control over my food. My mind was unwell but it was my body that suffered.

And when I struggled with binge eating disorder, it was in an attempt to numb strong emotions that were causing me so much pain. My mind was unwell but it was my body that suffered. 

For too long I thought my issues were with food not understanding it was about my mental health. 

For me- maybe for all of us-  that mind/ body connection is so strong that any separation seems fictional. 

So all this time, I thought the habits and routines I had in place kept my body healthy but truly they are keeping my mind healthy too.

Consistent exercise, walking, sleep, rest, routines, nourishing foods, solitude and connection.  These are the keys to my health and wellness- mind and body. 

There are others, of course. Gratitude practices, podcasts, writing and singing. Also books, so many books.  It all works in harmony to keep me balanced.

Some would say that all of these things I have learned to do to take care of me would be called “self care”. It’s how I care for myself. It’s how I care for me mind. How I maintain my wellness.

Another big take away from this series is normalizing that every single person struggles with their mental health on some level. None of us are immune whether we recognize it or not. 

Lately I’ve been leaning into the notion that it’s not an on/ off switch. It’s not wellness or illness. It’s a spectrum. A pain scale like they give you in the hospital.

How do you feel today? How are you functioning? On a scale of 1-10. 

And then I guess it’s our job to respond given the data we receive. I guess that’s how wellness is maintained.

I finally get it. I have a deep understanding of “mental health”. I just think we are using too many words to talk about the same thing. Not to mention the stigma associated with it all. 

If I could offer you anything it’s this- watch the Oprah and Harry special and be well. 

When Hope Floats Up

Last time I wrote, in November, I came from a dark place. I thought I had hit rock bottom and was on my way up. Little did I know...

The winter has been hard, much harder than the fall. January was dark and long and cold. I wasn’t sure I would make it through.

But if this last year, living in these COVID times has taught me anything, it is that no matter how often I sink to the bottom or how long I stay there, I can trust my reflexes to push my way back up to the surface to breathe. I am grateful for that reflex.

So now it is February. And I feel...different. Maybe it’s just because we sit on the precipice of a vacation week, or that we are rounding the bend of trimester 2. Maybe it just the increased daylight. But I feel...better. 

I’m almost afraid to say it out loud but a flame needs oxygen  to grow so I will breathe into these words in hopes of growing this spark.

Infection rates are dropping, there are less teachers quarantined or sick, the vaccine is rolling out and we’ve had almost 100 days of practice with the new routines of this school year. While I refuse the “new normal” narrative, I do believe that our practice with this school year is building up our resilience and coping muscles. 

I know for sure that by Thursday night I will be completely exhausted. I know for sure that there is a chance we will be “remote” on just hours notice. I know for sure that the “schedule” I have for my childcare can change in an instant. 

I’ve become certain of the uncertainty.

I also know for sure that reaching out and connecting with colleagues is crucial to my mental health. I know for sure that rest is key. I know for sure that the kids I’m lucky enough to work with will be the best part of my day. I know that showing up is the best thing I can do, for me and for them. 

And perhaps most importantly, I know that I can survive it all. Hard as all fuck as it may be. 

In my darkest days, I flirted with the idea of leaving public education for good. Such bullshit exists in this system, I’m just not sure I can be a part of it anymore. But in the end- I want too much to be part of the solution to leave the problems behind. These issues that have festered under the surface for years are now front and center. 

It’s becoming increasingly evident that the affects of this Pandemic on education is not a 180 day problem to solve. Educators will be dealing with shifting expectations for decades to come. We’ve only just begun...

And while in November that felt like an impossible task, in February that hope floats up and it suddenly it feels like a call to action. An invitation for truth telling. A promise of change. 

Our education system will not go back to “normal” next school year. “Normal” will not exist. We will face a continued evolution. 

And it won’t be because DESE or the Department of Ed or even Dr. Jill mandates it so. 

The change will come because of the teachers, special educators, therapists, counselors, administrators and paraprofessionals in the classrooms, offices and hallways across this country will do what they need to do for the students in front of them. 

We will be the change. We will be the voice. 

Ya know how in March the air outside is still cold but if the sun is warm enough, you feel like you can catch some rays? You roll up your sleeves and pull up your pants legs and let that chapped, dry winter skin enjoy the warmth.

That’s a little bit what this feels like. This budding hope. So even if it’s fleeting, I will enjoy it while it lasts. Trusting the promise of longer, warmer, sunnier days ahead. Trusting that I will push myself up to the top and breathe again.