Filling the hole

Most recently, I've begun to realize that ideas and pearls of wisdom seem to present themselves in themes.

And if I'm being honest- most often, these "themes" are exactly the things I need to be hearing and working on.

These themes come from podcasts I listen to, or books I'm reading or even an article on Facebook. But the connections are undeniable.

Enter- the hole.

As I started to examine and try to understand my tendency to binge eat, I first described it as "trying to fill the hole". I wasn't sure what the hole was, at first, but that's what it felt like. Digging and digging- except that it didn't really work. That hole was never full no matter how many cookies I ate.

Then, last week I re-read an article about addiction from Huffington Post last year. I loved this article and shared it with many people who were affected by addiction.

http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/the-real-cause-of-addicti_b_6506936.html

This article proposes that it's connection (or lack their of) that reinforces drug addiction. Humans have an innate need to feel connected and in the absence of a human connection will find anything to connect to- even if it's a needle. 

They are filling their "hole" with drugs. And anyone can open a newspaper and read of the devastating consequences of this desire to fill. 

Today I listened to a podcast from Ruth Soukup of Living Well, Spending Less and I heard the same message but this time- with shopping . We shop, for ourselves and our children, not because we need things but because we're trying to fill that hole. 

This struck a chord with me because not 24 hours ago I had a "Target binge". Ya know, when you go to Target for one thing and come out $150 dollars later. There are countless memes about this floating around the Internet, so I know I'm in good company!

I was filling the "hole" with stuff. Stuff that made me so happy while carrying it in my little red basket, but not so happy when I saw the damage! 

At this point in our lives, it's not about being able to "afford" a $150 Target binge, it's about the stark realization that it didn't fill the hole. 

Just like the cookies.

And the booze.

And the heroin.

And the mind-numbing social media browsing.

In fact, I would argue that nothing fills that hole.

Nothing fills that hole because there is no hole. 

When I first started recognizing and working to remediate my binge eating- I would use the mantra "this isn't going to fill the hole, Laurie" and that helped me. It allowed me to pause and examine what what really going on.

Recently, after much work, my mantra has changed to "There is no hole to fill, Laurie, you are already whole."

This mindset shift has been almost a relief. A relief in knowing that I am whole and enough. It has been a gift.

But clearly not magic as evidenced by my Target binge!

However, as soon as I heard that podcast this morning- I made the connection in the disconnection. 

I recognized my spending behavior as "hole filling". But I know from experience, there are no amount of Target trips that will fill that hole.

I need to pause and examine the "why" of my spending.

I need to do the things that make me feel whole. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not endorsing life as an eclesiastic monk. But for me, knowing I'm whole is much more fulfilling than trying to fill that hole. 

I can still shop and eat cookies and drink-  but do so mindfully. Do so because it enhances my life rather than just in an attempt at filling it.

 Do so because it brings me joy. 

My "aha" moment this morning pointed out that though I've done some work, more is left to be done. There is still a disconnection in my life because I'm still perceiving the "hole" and not the whole. 

The only remedy for this is connection. To  family, to friends, to humanity, to God. The only remedy is to reach out and look up. To make an effort to connect and to see the connections that are all around me.

So the universe has handed me my next to-do list, better get to work!

A tribute to Neely

This past week, we said goodbye to our 7 year old boxer, Neely. This is for my boy...

Growing up, we had pets. We had cats and a few hamsters (none of whom I liked very much) but that was the extent of it. I was not raised as a "dog person". To me, dogs were dirty, a little smelly and left their fur everywhere. I didn't get it.

Fast forward to 2008. Hubby, who was my fiancé at the time, introduced me to Boxer puppies. We started looking at pictures and websites and breeders and I fell in love. Those faces and wiggly bums- the cuteness was enough to melt my cold, non-dog lover heart.

So in May of 2008, we got ourselves a boxer pup. We drove to Maine and brought Neely home. Hubby didn't grow up with dogs, either, so neither of us had any idea what we were doing.

Neely, although cute- so adorably cute, wasn't easy to train (read: he was naughty). There were "walks" around the park when he refused to walk. There were eaten pillows and even eaten couches. There was doggy day care and puppy Kindergarten. There were holes dug to no where, ruining any chance of nice grass.  At some point, we stopped trying to have a well-behaved dog and just loved the one we had.

Our Neely.

Eventually, walks around the park got easier (as long as no other dog was walking by) and the accidents in the house were no longer . We stopped putting pillows on the couch and just covered up the holes in the grass.

The biggest change in Neely's life came when he became a big brother. When our 6 year old was born, we didn't know what to expect. How would Neely react? He was the center of our universe and soon to be displaced by a baby. We brought home the baby blankets so he could get used to D's smell and let him explore the nursery.

What we didn't know was that Neely would love that little baby boy. Neely would be gentle (mostly) and inquisitive. He'd alert us if D were crying and lay near his crib. He was the best big brother, our Neely. Even when the most attention I could muster was just to let him outside in the morning. Even when I resented his presence and needs due to postpartum hormones and the overwhelming stress of being a new mom. Neely was there, understanding and kind. Patient. He waited out my anxiety, knowing I'd be able to love both my babies again.

Then came our girl. Things were different between Neely and his sister even from day one. There was a special bond there. Maybe it was because Neely was older and more mellow, who knows. He became her playmate, her guardian, her dog. 

Both our children counted "puppa" among their first words. Eventually having to learn his actual name was Neely.

Our house was full, our cup runneth over, our family complete. Two kids and a dog.

We found out Neely was sick this past summer. Lymphoma. That news was difficult to digest given his young age and the fact that we just bought a new house with a beautiful backyard and a fence- just for him.

Every prognosis gave him 4-6 weeks. But not for our boy. Our boy wanted to explore his new home. Our boy wanted to leave his mark on our new backyard. Our boy still needed to run.

For many months, there weren't many symptoms. He was his usual energetic, Boxer wiggly self. I wondered if they'd misdiagnosed him. Then he started to decline. My boy, he wasn't himself.

No longer did he rush to greet us as we walked in the door. No longer did he run and play in his big backyard.

Our boy was hurting.

Loosing our first fur baby has been truly heart-breaking. I still pause at the bottom of the stairs in the morning to hear him breathing, I still look to see if his water bowl is full. I still expect him to go running to the door when someone comes in. 

The kids struggle to understand and I struggle to explain. "This is the second person whose died in our family" remarked my six year old- too young to understand so well what loss is. 

"This is why I can't have a dog" many people have said. I get that, I understand that mindset.  But, when I look at all he gave us in his short life- all the love, the laughter and the joy- I can't help but think he deserves these tears.

 This struggle is worth the reward of his life. Of his presence in our lives. The loss we feel today is equivalent to the love we had for him.

There is a void, an emptiness in our home and in our hearts.

There will be other dogs for the Dionisios,  of that I am sure. There will even be other Boxers. But there will never be another Neely.

Rest easy, my pup, you were the first dog I ever loved and your Boxer paws left a mark on my heart. 🐾❤️

New Year, New You? No need...

New year, new you. How many times have you read or heard those words over the past few weeks?

I'm calling bullshit and re-framing this concept: New Year, More You!

The thing is- whether you're into the spiritual shit or not. Your mere existence in this world is a miracle. You were created in perfect imperfection to be, just as you are, either by a divine force or scientific egg-sperm cell multiplying thing (choose your own story).

 So the world doesn't need a different you, it needs the you that you were meant to be. The you-est you you've got, the authentic you.

Who is the real you? What does that mean?

 

I don't know. That's your job to figure out. 

But here is what I've learned about me- I am most authenticly me when I am living in line with my intentions. When I am treating my body and my mind and my spirit with the respect and love it deserves. When I am nourishing my whole self. When I am taking time out to do the things that make my heart sing. When I'm trusting rather than worrying, when I choose gratitude over disappointment and silencing that negative voice in my head. When I forgive myself and others. When I let people be who they will be instead of being angry about who they are not. When the cracks in those walls I've built around my heart widen so that light shines through. When I am acknowledging and reflecting the light that shines from others. 

You may think a "new you" sounds better. Maybe a "new you" can be more positive or thinner or more organized or less anxious.

But how many of us are actually succeed in this "new you" endevour? 

Most of us get so overwhelmed with the concept, we give up after a few weeks. 

Why?

 Because a "new you" isn't the way. 

Instead, dust off the old you, let that light shine through and be MORE of the you that you are here to be. 

Because the real you, the light in you, is NOT negative, would NOT treat your body or mind or spirit poorly would NOT be anxious or judgmental or angry. 

The light in you would not say "build a wall and keep THEM out" because there is no them, there is only us.

Some of us have strayed so far from that light. Sometimes we build a wall inside ourselves to keep that light out. It's a coping strategy, it's fear. It's fear that keeps us binging on cookies, and blaming others. It's fear that keeps us addicted to drugs or shopping. It's fear that keeps us looking for the "new you". 

But it's love and light that will heal that fear. Yours. 

Just as the sun in always shining above the darkest skies, so is our light always shining behind the thickest walls.

Crack open that shit and let your light shine. 

Let your light shine- be more you- and see the light in others. It may be dim, it may be hiding behind some thick-ass clouds, but it's there. 

Be MORE you! Do not look outward for the answers. For the change. Look inward, because it's all there. The answers, the peace, the light and the love.

Be still and know. You are so good that the world doesn't need a "new you" it just needs MORE of your good stuff ❤️

Leaving you with a few of my favorite quotes courtesy of Pinterest and Instagram to help prove my point 😉