Lessons from a year in blogging

Facebook's On This Day feature kindly reminded me this morning that it was 1 year ago when I published my first blog post.

Because last summer was so eventful- selling a house, buying a house, moving- I've been playing the "a year ago today game" quite a bit recently. All while being very grateful that all that upheaval is behind us. This, however, was an "anniversary" I've been looking forward to!

One year ago, I started writing and sharing and here's what I've learned so far....

* It's freaking cathartic!!!!
Taking these stories and ideas and words out of my head and sending them out to the universe allows more space in my head for other things. Like joy, and peace, and even a little quiet. My head has always been a busy place but writing allows me to let go of some of that busy.

* The fear and anxiety of sharing doesn't go away.
Every single time I press publish, I immediately regret it. I immediately want to delete the post and forget I ever wrote it. It takes a lot of courage to hit publish, to send out your thoughts, to own your ideas. The tricky part is not giving into that impulse and instead riding out the fear, which by the way, has proven to be 100% unnecessary.

* Our stories are our own.
 Our interpretation and understanding of our stories belong to only us. People in your life may see things differently and not agree with your perspective. And that's OK, because that's THEIR story. I used to require lots of outside validation from the people around me. Always looking for the A or the likes and comments and compliments. And now I realize, selfishly, I'm good - all on my own. I don't write for the kudos from others but instead because I have a story to share and that's enough. I'm enough.

* Your words and ideas will ALWAYS resonate with someone.
Each and every time I post of blog, I get a text or an email or a comment from someone near or far that reads something like this "I needed to read this today". So as much as I no longer look for outside affirmation, knowing my words can help others keeps me writing, keeps me sharing, keeps me pressing publish. We are all far more alike than we are different.

*I am a writer.
I've always been hesitant to use a verb form of a noun. For example, I may run, but I would never call myself a runner. There is too much ownership there. Too much responsibility to the cause. Adding that -er morpheme changes the weight of the word for me. But this year, I've taken ownership of the -er. I am a lot of things- a mother, a teacher, an organizer and event planner, a crossfitter, a singer and yes, I am even a writer. It feels good to take ownership, to name your strengths and passions and to live that. But I'm still not a runner!

I'm so grateful that you all have come on this journey with me over this year! That you've taken the time to read my blog and send comments and messages. It truly means the world.

Trust and balance

Around New Years, people on IG were posting about #onelittleword - A campaign to choose a word that would represent 2016. I played along and chose this...

Trust. Not something that comes easily to me. I'm the kind of person whose inclination is to spend much time in my head. My head is the questioner, the doubter, the voice of fear and negativity. 

I wanted a quieter voice, to spend less time in my head and more time in my heart, in my gut. To trust that my life was unfolding just as it should be and to know that the voice that said otherwise was just being a jerk.

Fast forward to this week. It's my summer vacation and this year, things look different. I'm not working-at all, and instead spending the days with my kids. 

I'm not setting my alarm to wake up at 5:00 AM to work out because most days I'll make a plan to work out when I feel like it. 

I'm not necessarily waking up and journaling every morning. Or meditating every morning.  I'm not meal prepping and planning my dinners or making my lunches in mason jars. 

Lots of my routines and rituals that I cling to so fiercely have fallen by the wayside in the past few weeks. 

For a type A personality such as myself, this is alarming! 

And so the voice re-appeared.

 

"What are you doing with your time?" "You're not being productive enough"

"You're going to ruin all your progress"

"You will not be balanced without your routines and rituals"

"You're going to regress and start binging    if you're not careful"

So I listed to the voice and I heard her but I thought instead of reacting. 

I reflected instead of freaking out.

I trusted instead of worrying.

And what I decided was that my choices now are OK. I've come far enough in my journey, in my healing, to incorporate balance, to trust. 

My meditative practices aren't on a yoga mat in my basement but instead are a moment of gratitude at the beach. In a silent "thank you" I breathe in when I see my kids (actually) playing and getting along. When I wake up to another beautiful, blue sky. 

I'm reading more and reflecting more throughout the day so it's ok if it doesn't get done first thing in the morning. 

And if I'm not hungry, I don't NEED to eat that egg white omlet first thing in the morning. I can trust my body will tell me when it's hungry and I will respond appropriately. 

This from a girl who ate religiously according to meal plan doctrine, even when she quit meal plans!

My routines and rituals are so important to me. But yin and yang, ebb and flow, black and white mix to gray. Balance. 

This "go with the flow" feels amazing. I'm thrilled that I can find the motivation to show up for a WOD after a day at the beach. Or have the balls to go to a boxing boot camp that I haven't attended in years. I'm even more psyched to trust the days when walking the dog is enough exercise for me. And when I am listening to my hunger cues instead of eating according to the clock. 

I am trusting my body and listening to her. 

And even more importantly, on the days when the sky is falling, when my CNN alerts are full of hate and guns and tragedy. I can trust. I can trust that we will figure all this out. That we will do better. That love will prevail.

In January I picked a word. And in July, I'm living that word a little bit more. 

And damn it feels good.