And if I'm being honest- most often, these "themes" are exactly the things I need to be hearing and working on.
These themes come from podcasts I listen to, or books I'm reading or even an article on Facebook. But the connections are undeniable.
Enter- the hole.
As I started to examine and try to understand my tendency to binge eat, I first described it as "trying to fill the hole". I wasn't sure what the hole was, at first, but that's what it felt like. Digging and digging- except that it didn't really work. That hole was never full no matter how many cookies I ate.
Then, last week I re-read an article about addiction from Huffington Post last year. I loved this article and shared it with many people who were affected by addiction.
This article proposes that it's connection (or lack their of) that reinforces drug addiction. Humans have an innate need to feel connected and in the absence of a human connection will find anything to connect to- even if it's a needle.
They are filling their "hole" with drugs. And anyone can open a newspaper and read of the devastating consequences of this desire to fill.
Today I listened to a podcast from Ruth Soukup of Living Well, Spending Less and I heard the same message but this time- with shopping . We shop, for ourselves and our children, not because we need things but because we're trying to fill that hole.
This struck a chord with me because not 24 hours ago I had a "Target binge". Ya know, when you go to Target for one thing and come out $150 dollars later. There are countless memes about this floating around the Internet, so I know I'm in good company!
I was filling the "hole" with stuff. Stuff that made me so happy while carrying it in my little red basket, but not so happy when I saw the damage!
At this point in our lives, it's not about being able to "afford" a $150 Target binge, it's about the stark realization that it didn't fill the hole.
Just like the cookies.
And the booze.
And the heroin.
And the mind-numbing social media browsing.
In fact, I would argue that nothing fills that hole.
Nothing fills that hole because there is no hole.
When I first started recognizing and working to remediate my binge eating- I would use the mantra "this isn't going to fill the hole, Laurie" and that helped me. It allowed me to pause and examine what what really going on.
Recently, after much work, my mantra has changed to "There is no hole to fill, Laurie, you are already whole."
This mindset shift has been almost a relief. A relief in knowing that I am whole and enough. It has been a gift.
But clearly not magic as evidenced by my Target binge!
However, as soon as I heard that podcast this morning- I made the connection in the disconnection.
I recognized my spending behavior as "hole filling". But I know from experience, there are no amount of Target trips that will fill that hole.
I need to pause and examine the "why" of my spending.
I need to do the things that make me feel whole.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not endorsing life as an eclesiastic monk. But for me, knowing I'm whole is much more fulfilling than trying to fill that hole.
I can still shop and eat cookies and drink- but do so mindfully. Do so because it enhances my life rather than just in an attempt at filling it.
Do so because it brings me joy.
My "aha" moment this morning pointed out that though I've done some work, more is left to be done. There is still a disconnection in my life because I'm still perceiving the "hole" and not the whole.
The only remedy for this is connection. To family, to friends, to humanity, to God. The only remedy is to reach out and look up. To make an effort to connect and to see the connections that are all around me.
So the universe has handed me my next to-do list, better get to work!
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