Down the rabbit hole

So I went down a bit of a rabbit hole this week.

I stumbled across my old journals in a box of keepsakes, and something made me open them.

 And then I proceeded to read them obsessively, in chronological order.

It was like reading a novel that I just couldn't put down, waiting to see what would happen next. Except these chapters were (long-forgotten) memories and the main character was...me!

The journals went as far back as high school and continued on through college, and graduate school. Almost a decade of my life's recorded history.

Many of the entries made me cringe, many more made me laugh. But I learned a few things along the way.

First, I learned that I haven't changed much. As much as I like to think I've become a whole new person; wiser and more self-actualized. What I realized is, at the core, I'm the same person I've always been.  A person who feels first, speaks second, and thinks last. A person with a big heart and an even bigger mouth. And while I'd like to believe I now use this power for good, I know that's not always true.

Another constant are my struggles. The struggles I had then, I still have now. (Food included, my goodness, how many pages did I waste documenting everything I ate and how many times can a person join Weight Watchers!?!?!). Maybe now I handle them better. Maybe now I have more effective strategies and coping mechanisms but my struggles and faults remain a constant.  It reminded me of "A Wrinkle In Time" when one of the Mrs. tells Meg to use her faults and they will help her defeat the IT. Now I can see that these struggles have helped me, and continue to help me. They give me perspective and ground me. They allow me to grow.

My faith has always been a huge part of my life. I was blown away by some of the things I wrote about God when I was younger. It took me a while to recall sneaking out of my apartment on Sunday nights to attend local churches , even after nights of too much booze and too many bad decisions. To me, my faith feels new or at least renewed, but alas, at my core, it's always been there.

Secondly, I felt such gratitude. In those pages were detailed the most "exciting" parts of my life. Adventures and late nights. Dancing until dawn and nights that I'll never remember. Heartbreak and love. Family struggles, bad grades, and difficult decisions about the future. Among those experiences; the good and the bad, were friends. Many of whom I'm blessed to still call friends today. Roommates who dealt with silent-morning Laurie. High School besties who've traveled decades with me. How blessed am I to (continue to) be surrounded by such an amazing group of women...you all know who you are.

And the most important lesson of all is a message to my 20 year old self that this 38 year old version still needs to hear....

It will all be OK

 

 

There was so much angst in those pages. So much worry. What would the future hold? Who would I marry? Would I ever find someone to love me? What I so desperately wanted that girl to know is this....
 

"It will all be OK. As a matter of fact, it will all be so much more than OK. Just go along ,have your fun ,live your life and worry not. The path will reveal itself in time. "

 

I sit here as an almost 40 year old mother of two. And although I've learned to quiet those angsty "what's next?" voices, they are still there. I worry about my kids and their future, I worry about my career. I worry I don't do enough. I worry I play life too small. And yes, I still worry about how much I eat.

 

If this almost 40 year old mother of two learned anything from that 20 year old girl, it is this...
"It will all be OK, just go along and have your fun and live your life. The path will reveal itself in time"

 

Also, stop worrying about how much you eat :)