Saturday, July 9, 2016

Trust and balance

Around New Years, people on IG were posting about #onelittleword - A campaign to choose a word that would represent 2016. I played along and chose this...
Trust. Not something that comes easily to me. I'm the kind of person whose inclination is to spend much time in my head. My head is the questioner, the doubter, the voice of fear and negativity. 

I wanted a quieter voice, to spend less time in my head and more time in my heart, in my gut. To trust that my life was unfolding just as it should be and to know that the voice that said otherwise was just being a jerk.

Fast forward to this week. It's my summer vacation and this year, things look different. I'm not working-at all, and instead spending the days with my kids. 

I'm not setting my alarm to wake up at 5:00 AM to work out because most days I'll make a plan to work out when I feel like it. 

I'm not necessarily waking up and journaling every morning. Or meditating every morning.  I'm not meal prepping and planning my dinners or making my lunches in mason jars. 

Lots of my routines and rituals that I cling to so fiercely have fallen by the wayside in the past few weeks. 

For a type A personality such as myself, this is alarming! 

And so the voice re-appeared.
 
"What are you doing with your time?" "You're not being productive enough"
"You're going to ruin all your progress"
"You will not be balanced without your routines and rituals"
"You're going to regress and start binging    if you're not careful"

So I listed to the voice and I heard her but I thought instead of reacting. 

I reflected instead of freaking out.

I trusted instead of worrying.

And what I decided was that my choices now are OK. I've come far enough in my journey, in my healing, to incorporate balance, to trust

My meditative practices aren't on a yoga mat in my basement but instead are a moment of gratitude at the beach. In a silent "thank you" I breathe in when I see my kids (actually) playing and getting along. When I wake up to another beautiful, blue sky. 

I'm reading more and reflecting more throughout the day so it's ok if it doesn't get done first thing in the morning. 

And if I'm not hungry, I don't NEED to eat that egg white omlet first thing in the morning. I can trust my body will tell me when it's hungry and I will respond appropriately. 

This from a girl who ate religiously according to meal plan doctrine, even when she quit meal plans!

My routines and rituals are so important to me. But yin and yang, ebb and flow, black and white mix to gray. Balance. 

This "go with the flow" feels amazing. I'm thrilled that I can find the motivation to show up for a WOD after a day at the beach. Or have the balls to go to a boxing boot camp that I haven't attended in years. I'm even more psyched to trust the days when walking the dog is enough exercise for me. And when I am listening to my hunger cues instead of eating according to the clock. 

I am trusting my body and listening to her. 

And even more importantly, on the days when the sky is falling, when my CNN alerts are full of hate and guns and tragedy. I can trust. I can trust that we will figure all this out. That we will do better. That love will prevail.

In January I picked a word. And in July, I'm living that word a little bit more. 

And damn it feels good. 



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