The Things I Have Now

Twice this school year I've been 100% ready for a career change- for at least a few hours. I've even gone so far as to vet this idea to friends and family and check out my licensure prospects on the DESE website. 

Upon mentioning this to a collegue- who happens to be 10 years my junior- amidst a conversation about career paths and prospects her reply to me was this "Laurie, everything you have is everything I want". 

That statement gave me pause. Pause enough to remember and realize that I, too, once wished and worked and prayed for all that I have now.

I spent countless years and hours and tens of thousands of dollars to become what I am.

And on top of that, I've worked and learned for the past 12 years to hone my craft and continue to learn every single  day. 

So why now, why this year am I so eager to move on? So restless? 

Perhaps it's too much personal development. Too many books and podcasts about designing your future.

Maybe I truly have "Life ADD" as my husband told me so many years ago. 

Possible that I'm still not sure what I want to be when I grow up.

Maybe it's feeling overwhelmed so often by paperwork and to do's, by meetings and needs despite my passion for my work.

Or the cold and dark of winter and the lack of vitamin D is bringing me down. 

I don't know where my unrest is coming from but this is what I learned today.

This is the life I prayed for. This is the life I worked for. This is the career I encourage others to persue for the many rewards and benefits that come along with it (Summer's off and early retirement, anyone?!). These are the letters I sign with pride after my name. 

And if a career change is in my future, then it will come; just like this one did. And I will trust my path without worry, or fear knowing prayers are answered and life will guide me where I need to be. 

And so it is....

"It's not an emergency"

So I've survived. I've survived my boy getting on a bus and heading to my school. I even survived working 4 days myself. Exhausted and sweaty (why is it so hoottttt) but I survived.

If you've never worked in a school- all the "back to school" posts and "I'm so tired" teachers- sound ridiculous.

 I mean, most people didn't just have a 2 month vacation. Most people worked all summer. 

What are you whining about?!

But let me assure you, facing a new crop of kids who likely forgot how to listen, walk in a line, and even read over the summer is exhausting!

The beginning of the school year is a bit different for me. As an SLP, I don't stand in front of 20+ kids and "re-train" their brains from day 1.

Instead, I sit in front of piles of schedules and IEP's and evaluation paperwork. I coordinate a week of service delivery  with 15 different teachers and service providers. I look for ways to squeeze in 

speech and language therapy or inclusion in between Math, ELA, science, social studies, art, library, music, physical education and health all while avoiding 

lunch and recess and ahhhhhhhhhhh...

On top of that there are new students' whose IEP's are either missing or need to be input into the computer, there are kindergarten kiddos to be screened (lots of them- always lots of them) and those evaluations you never got to in June. 

September is usually a very stressful month for me because of all this craziness. I forget what I love about my job because I'm not actually doing anything I love about my job! Not a fun re-entry.

But this year I had a revelation.

This year- 12 years into this gig- I realized ... It's not an emergency! Everything will get done, it always does (usually within the mandated timelines, too!) but- it's not an emergency!

It's not an emergency. 

No need to run around crazy or lock myself in my office with tight shoulders and a stress headache. 

No need to sneak to the teachers room to find naughty things to eat to comfort myself.

It's not an emergency. 

And because of my lowered stress and increased productivity- I managed to create a workable schedule in 1 day. 

1 day!

It used to take me 2 weeks (and that's when I thought it was an emergency!)

I'm not sure if it's our social group big problem/ little problem practice rubbing off on me- or if it's experience or perspective- but I get it now.

The to-do list doesn't need to be checked off before it's written, and the big pile of evals eventually goes down, and the IEP's get written, and the kids get their speech time. 

It all happens as it should and it's not an emergency!

(Insert deep breath here)

Happy long weekend to my tired teacher  friends! Rest your feet and your voices.

If you need me, I'll be writing goals in attendance sheets 😳

The light is dimming....

Ironic that just days after I start a blog about the "light side" would I feel myself slipping into the darkness of anger, frustration and negativity.

Allow me to explain....

You see, currently I (and my kids, husband and dog) are living with my mother due to housing complications. We didn't loose our house. We weren't evicted. We choose to sell and are waiting for our closing on the new house. Living with my mother was a plan, not forced, not a necessity but a plan.

This means that our routine and schedules are non-existent. All the rituals that keep me sane on a daily basis are iffy, at best. I no longer have my "home gym". I have not found time to meditate. My children are up late and wake early. I am not meal prepping or even cooking for myself. And while I've taken all of this in stride for the past two weeks. My patience and sanity are wearing thin.

I want peace. I want space. I want my life back. And I want it now! (insert pout here)

While it would feel nice to pout and sulk and complain about life, that's just not my style anymore. So what am I doing to quell this negativity and see the bigger picture?

1- Well, writing it all down helps- so I blogged...

2- Making time to exercise, even if its not what/when/where I would typically choose to do so. Moving every day helps me clear my head and sweating helps me let go. 

3- Breathing. Sometimes a few deeps breaths do a world of good!

4-  Using some mantras. A few of my favorites these past few weeks are "Not my monkeys, not my circus", "This too shall pass"

5- Finding the blessings in every day. Like a much needed trip to the beach, laughing at my kids singing every word to the songs on the radio

6- Knowing the life is short. Today is all we've got. Live it and Love it. 

7- And also a little drinking doesn't hurt

Cheers to the things in life that make us stronger and the dim light that continues to flicker...