In my corner of the world...

This world is rough, lately, it seems to be getting tougher.

Around every corner there are sad stories - abuse, abandonment, people struggling, terrorists, refugees, war, bombings - the list is endless.

And now all that bad news is delivered immediately and unceasingly to the device of your choosing. Social media, news outlet updates and even TV. 

It's very easy to get sucked in. 

Also, thanks to social media- every Tom, Dick and Harry has the platform to exercise their 1st amendment right at free speech and spew their opinions all over Facebook and the Internet.

There are memes and videos and statements and quotes. All espousing one "truth" or another. It's all propaganda and it's infuriating.

This is a huge energy suck for me. I get wrapped up and angry when I see things that are so against my own beliefs, when I follow these tragedies, when I'm hooked in. 

I feel hopeless and angry and sad. And I don't like to feel that way. So what's my solution? What am I doing to protect my energy and my corner of the world?

I've stopped. I've stopped watching the news and reading the updates. I refuse to participate in the fear campaigns or spew my own opinions. I've  unfollowed those who do.

Instead, I choose light. I choose love. I choose compassion. 

Instead, in my corner of the world, I am praying and setting a higher vibration of faith and hope and peace. 

And when I see others doing the same- my heart is lightened and full. 

Am I naive? Am I ignoring reality? Perhaps. 

 I was recently listening to a podcast from Shawn Achor who is a positive psychology researcher. He was describing some of his research that says we are bombarded with so much information and our brain can only process a certain amount of it. Therefore, we get to CHOOSE the information we take in. We get to process what we want to process and ignore the rest, essentially creating our own reality. And better yet- we can even "train our brain" to process, to see, to take in the postive. 

Maybe I'm naive or maybe I'm just training the brain for my own survival. 

If I die tomorrow, I don't want to leave a life that was scared, fearful, closed off. I want to open up, love, radiate light- despite the darkness. 

In my corner of the world, I am focusing on the good- on the peace and continuing to pray that the ripple effect takes hold and spreads that love. 

These problems won't be solved overnight but imagine if we keep that vibrational frequency high- imagine the differences we could make each and every day, in our corner of the world. 

Be the change you wish to see. BE the peace, BE the love. 

Personally that sounds much better to me than being fear and anger and hate.

Just sayin....

The holidays without him

Tis the season!

Walk into any store, peak into any catalog and it's clear... the holidays are upon us. 

It's the season of festive celebrations, family and traditions. It's a time of joy and love and peace. 

But for those grieving the loss of a loved one, this time of year can be especially hard. 

This year we celebrate the holidays for the second time without my Dad. Last year, just six months after he died, it was difficult. 

There was lots of trepidation going into the holidays. What would it BE like?  Who would eat the turkey skin and sit at the head of the table? Where would we get the pies without his connections to Lisi at Fall River Country Club?

There were heartfelt toasts and lots of flowing wine to ease the unease. There were tears, in private, because that's how we do.

This year, we've lived these holidays without him before so there is more of an opportunity to be reflective, to lean in. As the season approaches, I find myself thinking of him more often and with a heavier heart. I feel the weight of his loss all over again. 

So still the question lingers, how do we celebrate the holidays without him?

And the truth is- we don't.

He's there in the loquacious vocabulary (ahem- bullshit) used by my older brother during after dinner debates.

He's there in the quiet way my younger brother takes it all in before stating his position. 

He's there in the passionate (read: loud) way I communicate my opinions. Also in my bleeding-heart political leaning.

He's there in the quiet. The brief moments between a belly laugh and a child screaming that allow us all a chance to remember. 

He will silently slip into the last pew at midnight mass to hear me sing "O Holy Night" and in a whisper I'll hear "Beautiful job, Laurie Ann".

He will linger on the edge of the craziness as his grandkids tear open their presents.

He'll be standing next to my mother, shaking his head  and giving us his classic tongue click (ttttkkk- man I can still hear it) as he listens to untold stories of our younger and wilder days. 

In the need to soak up and soak in all that the holidays bring.  In the need to appreciate our crazy family that surrounds the table. In the need to embrace, to enjoy, to be together- he's there. Because now we know, tomorrow is promised to no one...

Last year, as we floated through the grief of the "firsts", these things were hard to see and even harder to appreciate. 

This year it seems clear, there are no holidays without him, for he is here. Always. In us and around us.

 Through us, he's here. ❤️

Annual Christmas family picture circa 1989 as evidenced by my big bangs

Mindfulness and Creationism

I wasn't planning on writing this week and then I realized some of you may be disappointed beyond measure and so I felt compelled...

This Saturday I had the pleasure of attending a professional development workshop run by a friend from high school, Tracy Affanso,  entitled "Mindfulness in the Classroom". It. Was. Awesome. 

Not only did I get to attend the PD with one of my BFF's having some really great conversations (and gossip) but I was also privileged to be surrounded by teachers trying to incorporate this very important topic in their crazy, busy, overwhelmed day. 

It sort of felt like we're all on some noble mission of good. I'm sure there is a Star Wars analogy for this- I'll have to ask my husband. But I digress...

The workshop was amazing and I came away energized and ready to try some new things. Two points really resonated with me:

"It's practical, it's not magical" 

Tracy had said this at the beginning of the morning and I just loved it. I think in life we look at a new idea, program, curriculum, diet, fitness program and think it's just going to be magic! Then we get frustrated and disenfranchised when it's not. When the kids don't learn to decode through osmosis, when you don't loose 15 lbs by taking the magic pills, when the squishy seat and heavy work don't suddenly make Mr. Ants in his Pants sit on the rug. 

There is no magic pill or program. What we have are strategies.

Using mindfulness techniques will help our kiddos reduce anxiety, learn to take a deep breath and notice the people and things all around them. It may help to break their thoughts of a rough morning or the video game they are going to play when they get home and bring their brain back to math. These are things I didn't learn until I was in my 30's. What a gift it would be to give to our students this, the gift of NOW!

But- "it's not magical- it's practical" and a practice (refer to last weeks blog post :)

"Your kids will learn mindfulness if you are also mindful".

This one hit home. Much like the post I wrote several weeks ago about "you can't give your children what you don't have". This one puts a mirror in front of your behavior and forces you to look. 

Many times, I'll gather a group of kids for speech therapy pull out, get them situated at my table, give directions, take attendance, check my email, write a note to a parent- all at the same time! I believe it's called multi-tasking, and a side effect of a very busy schedule, but it's still not ok. I'm not really  with them while I'm doing 10 other things.
So how can I expect my group to mindfully participate in my lesson when I am not mindfully participating in my lesson?

Ouch- I've got work to do there! Luckily, I can start first thing tomorrow morning.

This workshop could have been a week long and it wouldn't have been enough time to fully explore this topic. But my brain is going in a Mindful direction now and there's power in inertia! Stay tuned...

And now: creationism. 

I'm not too crafty or artsy or creative. 

At least that's what I would have said in my fixed mindset!

This summer I (under the guidance and close supervision of my sister-in-law) refinished an old bureau into an amazing TV stand and it came out ah-maze-ing 

And now I've been bitten by the bug of creativity!

 

I have a pre- Christmas season gift making extravaganza planned and it all began today...

Now I realize this doesn't look like much...yet, but will be remarkable! And save me $40 I would have spent on Etsy. For me, the key to crafting is to find a teacher, a mentor, a coach. Someone who knows what's the f they are doing to help you along the way. 

And isn't that just a good idea in life anyway...

Practice

The word practice is defined as follows:

CloseStyle: MLA APA Chicago

   verb prac·tice \ˈprak-təs\

: to do something again and again in order to become better at it
: to do (something) regularly or constantly as an ordinary part of your life

: to live according to the customs and teachings of (a religion)

Most recently I've heard the word used often as a passive verb (e.g. Gratitude journaling is a practice of mine, or I practice yoga). I have always interpreted this use of the word to mean "do". It's something that you do. You do yoga, you do journaling.

But, I think that definition is incomplete. Sure, you "do" it because it's a verb, an action word. However it's not just that.

It's not just doing.

It's practicing- like performing an action repeatedly in order to improve, practicing. Like a musician practices and instrument and a football player practices his plays. 

I've spoken before about my tendency to have a fixed mind set- to do things I know I can do and do well. So many of my own practices are actually habits that I'm good at. But my fixed mindset default interpreted the word practice as something you were just good at doing rather than something you learned how to do.

  

This came to light for me this week when I was thinking about yoga. I like yoga and do it weekly. I am always in awe of women that can hold crazy hard poses because I just can't! (Fixed mindset)

I was wondering how in the world was I ever going to improve and learn to do those hard poses. Join a studio? Find a teacher I like? 

Then it occurred to me...practice! I friggin need to practice! So maybe when people say "I practice yoga" they mean try and try and try again until they get better  (Growth mindset).

Maybe it's more than just a do but it's a try. It's a performing and action repeatedly until you improve. Until you can hold crow, or do a handstand.

Because when we are practicing, we are trying and learning and trying again.

It's often said that "we teach what we most need to learn" so it's no shock that I have been prepping for growth mindset lessons with my 4th grade social group. My goal for the lessons is to teach those girls to try, to keep improving, to use positive self-talk and re-frame their thinking. Easy for me to say, harder for me to practice.

 

When we say "I need to eat healthy" or "I need to be more positive" or "I should be working out more"- maybe we should consider these things a practice and keep trying. Keep practicing! Without the expectation that we'll do it perfectly the first time or any time. With a growth mindset. With grace and compassion for ourselves.

Maybe when they say we should practice compassion and self- love the expectation shouldn't be that we can just do it. But that we keep trying, keep practicing. So that every time we pass a mirror and get a glimpse of ourselves our first thought isn't "Uugh, look how big my ass looks", or when we say the wrong thing we don't admonish ourselves with a self-directed  "Idiot". Instead we practice looking in the mirror and appreciating our bodies for what they do. And our thoughts after a sticky situation  turn into a more pleasant "Well, next time I'll handle that differently".

Imagine how enjoyable new endeavors and behaviors could become is we just considered it practice.
 

So this week when I am doing my yoga "practice". I will actually practice! I will keep trying and learn and try again. One day I'll post a picture of my handstand, but...that might take LOTS of practice!

 Google Image- not me people!

"We cannot give our children what we don't have".

"It is clear from the data that we cannot give our children what we don't have. Where we are on our journey of living with our whole hearts is a much stronger indicator of parenting success than anything we can learn from how-to books"- From The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown

 I've been on a journey of self-improvement and self-understanding for quite a while. Inspired, no doubt, by Oprah circa 1995.

In fact, I originally told my grad school roommates (in 2002) that I did not want to live with them because I wanted to 'grow as a person' as only living with random people would allow me to. I decided to live with them after I toured their sick apartment in the Charlestown Navy Yard in Boston. Ironically, I grew more in those two years than I could have ever thought possible. These women are my war-buddies. We survived and thrived together. And I mention this, because they still tease me about that comment 'grow as a person'. I was 22- who says that?!

Anyway, this journey has been long but in the past year I've gotten more serious about it. I've put in work. I've read lots of books and blogs, listened to podcasts, resumed journaling and just tried to dig up and dig out. Rediscover my emotions and intentions. Live fully and love fully. One of my greatest teachers along the way has been Brené Brown and her beautiful books. I just began The Gifts of Imperfection when I came across this quote...

 "We cannot give our children what we don't have".

Those words struck me like a thunderbolt. We want so much for our children. We want them to be confident and strong, to see their worth and try new things. To be kind, compassionate and forgiving. We want them to be brave. We want them to know success and learn from failure. We want them to thrive, to love, to shine.

But-

 "We cannot give our children what we don't have".

We can talk and teach but until we own it, until we live it, until we breathe it. They will not have it.

This lessons pulls my heart strings especially with my daughter. My beautiful girl. My girl who is in the 50%ile for height and 90%ile for weight. My girl, who at her 3 year check-up was told to "focus on healthy behaviors" because of these numbers.

My girl is a beam of light. She has a wicked personality. She's funny, and fresh. She's smart as a whip and sweet as pie. She's a devil and a love. She lights up a room when she walks in. THIS is what I want her to know. Inherently. THIS is what I want her to believe. I want her to know that she is inherently worthy of love and joy because she is light. I want her to walk into a room and shine her light.

I want her to move because it brings her joy and eat because it satisfies her. I want her to "focus on healthy behaviors" not because some antiquated bell curve insists upon it but because she feels better when she does. And who doesn't want to feel better?!

But-

 "We cannot give our children what we don't have".

So, in order for this to happen. I need to see MY light. I need to know that I am inherently worthy of love and joy.

Now. Today. As I AM.

Not 10 pounds from now, not when I've had a "good week" of eating. Not when I've gotten a good review at work. Not when I've finished my to-do list.

Now. Today. As I AM.

My wholehearted journey took on new meaning when I read those words. I realized I wasn't doing this for me, I was doing this for them. For the two thems that I brought into this world. For the thems that I worry and wonder over. For the thems that I love more than I ever thought possible.

I will give them what I have. And what I have is self-love, worthy-ness, a light to shine in this world. What I have is faith and trust and joy.

So pardon me if my Facebook shares and my IG posts seem a little touchy-feely for you. I'm working on a gift for my children...

TV Time Out

I don't recall where that saying came from but I have a feeling it was from the 80's...

This week, I was blessed enough to take a TV time out with my hubby.

I tagged along on a work trip with him to Miami for a few days.

Life's been a lot this year. We sold a house, bought a house, settled into a house, works been nutso- there hasn't been much time for fun and games. So when Eric mentioned Miami- it seemed like the perfect medicine.

We arranged care for the kids (so grateful for my village!) and off we went. 

And for 3 days, I got to be Laurie, wife of Eric and that's all. For 3 days I didn't need to worry about potty training or poop. School lunch or karate. I got to just be. 

We biked in the rain and took an impromptu speed boat tour around Miami. We drank at the pool and walked to dinner. We talked (not about the kids),  we discussed the future , we sat in silence. We read, we napped. We drank some more.

As much as I love structure and routine, taking a break from that is critical to balance. It's yin to a yan. A little black and white, mixing in a lovely shade of gray. 

A few weeks ago there was a graphic going around Facebook. It was a picture of a cup with water and the analogy was that a cup with water gets heavy if you keep holding it, so put it down. Put down your worries and your burdens and walk away for a bit. 

https://www.facebook.com/mindfulschools/photos/a.203073253066340.49931.165948186778847/598713920168936/?type=3

Another one I've seen is of an empty cup. You can't pour into others' cups if yours is empty.

And then there is the famous "oxygen mask" analogy. Put yours on first.

Much time has been spent lately playing tag-team. I'm here and he's there, he's here and I'm there. Whose on first anyway?! And all this is a necessity when there are two working parents at home. 

This time out, this re-connection helped me fill my cup (or put it down- choose your analogy). It allowed me to breath with the help of my oxygen mask. It reminded me that I really do like my husband!

And I know I will go home and be a better mother, wife, speech pathologist and friend all because of this TV time out. 

I will return to my meal prep and workout schedule. To bed times and alarm clocks. To homework and bed time stories. And even to potty training with grace and gratitude. 

Reality is- this isn't a frequent occurrence.  We don't have the luxury of escaping every month or even every year!

My goal for returning home is to find little ways to time out on a regular basis (and less expensively) than a trip to South Beach. Because putting myself on the list and making my marriage a priority isn't selfish- it's necessary. 

Until next time darling, but for now, tag- you're it, 'cause I've got to go grocery shopping!

"Today I did my best"

I'm struggling. I've been struggling for a bit but today the struggle felt real. 

Work is overwhelming. I am overwhelmed with paperwork and evaluations and the needs of children. My to-do list is long and complex. My days are non-stop. My time is fleeting.

I am overwhelmed with the lessons that need to be planned. The IEP's that need to be written. The phone calls that need to be made.

I am overwhelmed by 2 hour meetings and the amout of time with children I am missing.

I'm pretty sure this is how burn-out starts. When the tasks overwhelm the capacity. When the joy is gone and in its place is paperwork.

But here's the thing. I love my job! I am passionate about language and learning and children! I love the smell of a school and walking into classrooms. I love collaborating with teachers and being able to support student success. 

I'm not going down without a fight!

So I must defeat the burn out. Quell the voices of comparison and "not good enough ness". Put things in perspective and remember the joy. Ride my passions for all their worth. 

I'm attempting this by remembering that "Today I did my best". Some days my best may look different, but who can ask for more than your best? Not my administration, my co-workers, parents and not even myself. 

My best is good enough. Every day.