Those words came from a Thank-You note I received that week. Those words broke me open. They took my breath away.
He is a reflection of you
I often say being a parent is like being forced to look in a mirror. You watch a little version of you act, say, be a little version of you. You watch the tantrums and the emotional outbursts, the love of music and lack of athletic ability.
And you chuckle "just like her mom"! Genetics are a strong force.
Sometimes looking in that mirror is difficult. You know your struggles and you wish your child a different path. If you are shy, you want them to be outgoing. If you are fat, you wish them to be thin.
But sometimes, we need to look in that mirror and see the beauty. See the good. Admire what's there. Sometimes, we need to look at our children and acknowledge them for the gifts they are.
This little message from the Universe in the form of a Thank You note is quite fitting with my newest read, "The Awakened Family: A Revolution in Parenting" by Shefali Tsabary PhD. This book is knocking my socks off! So much so that I've been underlining and highlighting like a 4th grader.
Dr. Shefali has so many thought provoking points in this book, but my favorite so far is the theory that we are triggered by our children when they do/say/behave in a way that points to a lack in ourselves. She holds that our triggers are due to unresolved issues of our past or our own childhood and not at all the fault of our children.
This hit home for me in the area of "emotional outbursts". When I was a kid and had "big, upset reactions", which to be honest, was quite a bit, my father would say "Enough with the histrionics, Laurie". I learned that big, upset reactions were not welcome. That I was to be even-tempered. Even though this was not what was being modeled for me.
Today, when one of my children has a "big, upset reaction" it's a total trigger for me! My reaction is to yell and send them to their room, which only makes things worse. Thanks to some help from a counselor friend, we've been working on other strategies to help with these situations.
Strategies to diffuse instead of enflame. Strategies to name a process the feelings to allow them to disapate.
We're all allowed histrionics sometimes!
Dr. Shefali also discusses a 'clash of time zones'. Because the culture of parenting is obsessed with our children reaching goals and creating a "happy" future for themselves, parents micromanage their children's lives based on these future goals. The clash occurs because the child is in the now, the today, the present. And parents are in the 10-20 years from now making judgments about their children's future success based on the actions of a 7 year old. Parents are living and operating from a place of fear that their child won't be enough, or do enough. No wonder we are screaming at them all the time!
"If we don't whip them into shape now, they will be failures in life and that will be a reflection on me"
Such. Juicy. Stuff.
I'm only half way through and it's already brought me so many "aha" moments.
And yet, it took that note from a teacher to really drive it home.
Whether we mean to be or not, we are hard on our kids. We expect them to toe the line and follow directions and be emotionally stable and never in a bad mood or upset. And yet, is that how WE behave?!
My husband will tell you no, that's for sure!
My "working on" this summer is to see my kids as they are. To meet them where they are. And to love them for who they are.
It's what I want from the people in my life, so why wouldn't I give that to my most special loves. My creations. My reflections.
Why wouldn't I let that reflection show me the beauty, the good, the strengths they bring? 
