Embracing the dark side

Last week was rough. 

There were hormones, which never really help make anything easier, dwindling summer patience, a bug problem, and an interaction which left me feeling less than positive, to say the least, to do lists galore together with the anxiety of impeding transitions. 

Yup, last week was rough.

When you write a blog entitled "Choose the Light Side" and you focus so much time and attention to your mindset and outlook on life, your faith and spirituality- you have certain expectations of yourself. 

Like you'll shit glitter, or something. 

But some days (weeks, moments) aren't like that.

Sometimes you react, or become negative or overwhelmed or let your emotions speak where they've been quiet for so long. 

And sometimes after that happens, I feel bad. "Fuck" says the spiritual gangster inside me "I should know better". "Where is my zen?!".

Even my husband has a tendency to remind me to "Choose the light side, Laurie" when I'm on a tangent about this or that.

But ya know what, I don't shit glitter and rainbows. Sometimes, the light dims. Sometimes, the shadows creap up on me. 

And ya know what, I decided that's OK. It's more than OK, in fact, it's human. It's real. And it's necessary.

That negativity, that dark side, those shadows need room to breathe. You need to process that shit and let it run its course. You need to scream or run or yogi or vent that shit out until you feel clearer. Until you can see the light again. 

This week, my priest quoted a friend of his who said "There is no darkness, only the absence of light." 

I liked that. Felt more acceptable to think there are no dark parts of you, just ones you haven't lit up yet. Ones to "work on", I suppose. To acknowledge, to see, to inquire about.

Inquiry has been a powerful tool for me in the process of emabracing the dark side. 

When feelings surface or I have a big reaction to something or even when I find myself reaching for the cookies- I have learned to stop and ask myself "What is this really about?", "Where did these feelings come from and do they even belong to you?". Because I know enough to know now, it's never really about the cookies.

Don't get me wrong, sometimes the cookies still win, or I go bat shit crazy on my kids. I mean, it's not a perfect system- it's a practice!

This inquiry practice and learning to sit with my feelings- negative and positive- has given me so much insight into the stories and beliefs I carry around. It's helped me see my bruises and work to heal those. 

But most importantly, it's enouraged me to love and accept all the parts of me. The light side and the dark side. The jealous and the grateful. The angry and the joyful. 

I may not shit glitter and rainbows but I make a hell of a lemonade out of those lemons.  

It's just a body...

It's just a body. 

Those are four words I couldn't have imaged uttering several years ago. 

I had become so consumed with what my body looked like and how much it weighed and who thought what about it. Consumed. Obsessed. Compulsive. Just 

a body wasn't a thing, it was everything!

And now, when I see images or read articles about body image and even body positivity, I can't help but think- it's just a body...

My mindset around this has come so full circle it's almost shocking to me at times. 

When I am at Crossfit in the middle of a WOD, I'm not distracted by thoughts of "Man, my ass must be jiggling during these box jumps" or "Wow, she must think I'm a cow". Usually I'm distracted by thoughts of "I wonder if I'll die during this workout" but that a story for another day!

When I'm playing with my kids at the beach, I'm not thinking "Ooh, that skinny lady in the bikini must be looking at my cellulite".

When I walk into a room, I'm not scanning to see if anyone is fatter than me. 

Because, after all, it's just a body.

And thank goodness we are so much more than that.

We are our minds and our sense of humor. We are our smile and our radiance. We are our analytical minds and our creativity. We are our hearts and our love. Our gratitude and our laughter. We are our heaviness and our tears. We are a constellation of light.

And yes, all that goodness (Godness) is wrapped in a body. 

My body can run and jump rope without pain. It can lift heavy shit and carry my children.

Maybe yours can dance or swim. Maybe it can walk or maybe it can't.

Maybe yours can help make music or art. Maybe it can inspire others with its strength or flexibility. 

Maybe your body can create and sustain life and maybe it can't. 

It's a body and it's yours but don't get caught up in the limitations of it. It's a body and it's yours, but don't get frustrated at the sight of it. It's a body and it's yours, so appreciate the existence of it. 

Treat it well and give it love.

 But do not fret, after all, it's just a body. 

Write your own story

This came up on my Instagram account this week and right away, I knew I had to share it and add a little reflection.  

 I've been struggling lately with this. With this letting people who make different choices than I do, make those choices. Sometimes, when I hear an opinion or philosophy that's different than mine, I get, like, offended. My feathers, they get ruffled. This doesn't happen with everything but seems particularly feather-ruffling when it's a topic I'm passionate about or I have some experience with.

A hurt I'm trying to heal.

It's sort of like when you have a bruise and you touch it and it hurts and then you keep touching it over and over again to see if it still hurts. It's sort of like that. 

I realized this week, it's about making my story, their story. Because an event or experience impacted me a certain way, I assume it will have the same impact on everyone. And ya know what? That simply can't be true.

My story is my story. And your story is your story. There may be some similarities. The main characters may share a similar struggle or problem, but the resolution can be different from all of us.

We all choose our own adventure.

One of the biggest ways I see this impacting me daily is with discussions/posts/ads for various dieting methods. Even the word "diet" makes me shudder.

You see, I am still healing from my restrict/binge/clean eating obsessed/ self-diagnosed ED-NOS. And while I've made lots of progress in normalizing my relationship with food and my loving my body and treating it well, the posts and ads about 21-30-60 day fixes/cleanses/meal plans still make me want to scream.

Like the bruise that I keep on touching to see if it still hurts.

I know I'm projecting my story and experiences onto this. I know I'm making my (long, long, long) story about weight loss and food issues be everyone's story.

But every time I read something about the newest "thing". I want to scream

"STOP- THIS IS NOT A DIET-THIS IS YOUR LIFE"

I want the shakes, and plastic purple containers and pills,'slim down for summer' , 'get your body beach ready' and before/after pictures to just GO AWAY!!!

Did you hear me? I was yelling, throwing a temper tantrum really.

Because if I can't be around all that stuff without relapsing into a dark and obsessive place than clearly no one else can, right? Well, probably wrong. Probably some people can handle food restriction without a binge. Probably some people can turn a meal plan into moderation.

But I couldn't, I can't. I don't want too. I'm too busy over here healing. Living my life and not obsessing over my next meal or the macros in my lunch. I'm over here working out to be strong, not to be skinnier. I'm over here doing me. Healing me. Loving me.

That's my story. That's my adventure.

And you? You can be over there with your meal replacement shakes and your 21-30-60 day cleanses and that's Ok. 

That's your story. That's your adventure.

Just let's make a deal, ok? Let's make a deal that this 'diet' is still your life. That you are still living and breathing and appreciating your body NOW, TODAY- for what it can do and for what it does. Every body deserves that, beach ready or not...

As long as we're both living, both choosing our adventures. It's all good.

But please, stop waving your plastic, purple containers in my face. You're blocking my view.