Snow days, trust and progress

As a teacher, I used to hate snow days.

Like, legitimately hate them. Like be so angry about them, I'd storm about all day. Seething. I would even hate that people liked them!

I had plenty of reasons to justify my anger.

"The kids needs the consistency", "I'm loosing my summer", "I had an important meeting today!"

All valid, all true, and all feeding into that sense of injustice.

But the truth under all that anger was my lack of control. I felt best in life when I have a tight grip on what's happening around me. When I'm at the wheel and we're on cruise control. Order, control, routine. That's how I like it.

Today, we had a snow day. Unexpected, as our 1" of predicted snow turned into 5"+.

 I was awake, my morning routine had begun, lunches were made, clothes were set out. I was prepped for the meetings I had today. But instead, its a snow day.

And I realized- I wasn't angry.

I sighed (heavily, I'll admit) and went back to bed. There was no anger, no sense of injustice, no fuming or seething.

Just acceptance.

It may be because our last day is still June 15th, early summer by all accounts.

But I'd like to think it's because of the progress I've made in accepting life and reality as it comes. In being less rigid and more flexible. I'd like to think I've learn to trust, to be and to know it will all be OK.

My need to control in life has lead me down some dark paths; eating disorders, obsessive routines, stress, anxiety, anger, endless striving for perfection and people pleasing.

I used to think that my perfectionism and need to control would lead to me being a better mother, a better wife, a better SLP. If I had everything 'just so' then things would certainly turn out in my favor. Everyone would be happy under my control.

But now I see it only lead me to feel angry and upset, to snap and break when things didn't go my way. I'd even bet my husband would say I'm more pleasant to be around now that I'm a less Type- A. But don't fact check that because #creativelicense.

I can say for certain that my house (and head) is a happier place to live.

 Learning to let go a little has been an incredible relief and allowed me to feel more joy than I ever thought possible when I was white knuckling my way through my days.

Is a snow day a big problem? Nope, not at all. But if we learn to be flexible in the little things, it helps when the big things come along.

Sometimes, it takes a snow day, an unscheduled, unplanned break from life, to see how far you've come.

So today, I'll pat myself on the back for releasing some of that Type A/perfection/control, let my kids watch too much TV, and know that the lunches and the clothes are all ready to go for tomorrow.

Cheers to the journey, to loosening that grip, and to learning to adjust those sails...

The other side of "back to school"

For the past 12 years "back to school" has been mostly about me. About a new year, a new caseload, a new adventure. When I can't sleep on "back to school eve"- it's because I'm anticipating the excitement and energy of the First Day of School!

This year, however, this year- all that changes drastically.

This year my boy starts kindergarten. This year, my boy joins ME at MY school and starts kindergarten.

Separation of church and state no more.

 He will walk down the halls I've traveled for the past 9 years. My friends and colleagues will become his teachers. My students will become his friends. 

I've known this was coming. We attended K orientation in May and even moved to the district! But somehow, the gravity of all of this has escaped me- until now...

There are supply lists and directions that need to be followed. There are letters from teacher. There are bus routes and schedules that need to be organized. 

Suddenly, back to school isn't  just about me anymore!

I will now share my day, my building, my school with a walking, talking piece of my heart. 

I can't help but wonder what will happen to all the lines I drew in the sand anticipating this co-mingling. 

Will I peek in at him at lunch and help him open his snack? Will I watch him on the playground as he learns the expectations of kindergarten? Will my heart burst as I watch him learn when I'm  in his class for inclusion?

Separation of church and state was so much easier to handle!

The women who planned my bridal shower and baby shower, who showed up at my house after my boy was born, who have given me mom-marriage- and life advice will now be entrusted with the care and education of my boy. They will sit across from me at parent-teacher conference and hand me tissues as I listen to the wonderful (or terrible!) things he's done.

My boy will get on the bus on September 2nd and begin a magical journey. 

He will walk down the halls I've loved for 9 years and meet the most amazing people I'm lucky to call friends and colleagues. 

They will smile and welcome him- because that's what they do.

 They will nurture and teach- because that's what they do. 

He will sit in assemblies and music and art and go on field trips.

 He will make friends and get his feelings hurt.

He will get boo-boos on the playground and bellyaches at lunch. 

 He will laugh and learn and grow. 

He will fall in love the building I've loved for almost 9 years...

 

and I get a balcony seat to watch it all. 

My heart will burst seeing this magic!

So while separation of church and state was so much easier- it's the hard stuff in life that brings the good stuff. 

I don't think I'll be much help at bus duty on September 2nd, Mrs. Brooks- I'll be the mom sobbing in the corner!