There were hormones, which never really help make anything easier, dwindling summer patience, a bug problem, and an interaction which left me feeling less than positive, to say the least, to do lists galore together with the anxiety of impeding transitions.
Yup, last week was rough.
When you write a blog entitled "Choose the Light Side" and you focus so much time and attention to your mindset and outlook on life, your faith and spirituality- you have certain expectations of yourself.
Like you'll shit glitter, or something.
But some days (weeks, moments) aren't like that.
Sometimes you react, or become negative or overwhelmed or let your emotions speak where they've been quiet for so long.
And sometimes after that happens, I feel bad. "Fuck" says the spiritual gangster inside me "I should know better". "Where is my zen?!".
Even my husband has a tendency to remind me to "Choose the light side, Laurie" when I'm on a tangent about this or that.
But ya know what, I don't shit glitter and rainbows. Sometimes, the light dims. Sometimes, the shadows creap up on me.
And ya know what, I decided that's OK. It's more than OK, in fact, it's human. It's real. And it's necessary.
That negativity, that dark side, those shadows need room to breathe. You need to process that shit and let it run its course. You need to scream or run or yogi or vent that shit out until you feel clearer. Until you can see the light again.
This week, my priest quoted a friend of his who said "There is no darkness, only the absence of light."
I liked that. Felt more acceptable to think there are no dark parts of you, just ones you haven't lit up yet. Ones to "work on", I suppose. To acknowledge, to see, to inquire about.
Inquiry has been a powerful tool for me in the process of emabracing the dark side.
When feelings surface or I have a big reaction to something or even when I find myself reaching for the cookies- I have learned to stop and ask myself "What is this really about?", "Where did these feelings come from and do they even belong to you?". Because I know enough to know now, it's never really about the cookies.
Don't get me wrong, sometimes the cookies still win, or I go bat shit crazy on my kids. I mean, it's not a perfect system- it's a practice!
This inquiry practice and learning to sit with my feelings- negative and positive- has given me so much insight into the stories and beliefs I carry around. It's helped me see my bruises and work to heal those.
But most importantly, it's enouraged me to love and accept all the parts of me. The light side and the dark side. The jealous and the grateful. The angry and the joyful.
I may not shit glitter and rainbows but I make a hell of a lemonade out of those lemons.
