Down the rabbit hole

So I went down a bit of a rabbit hole this week.

I stumbled across my old journals in a box of keepsakes, and something made me open them.

 And then I proceeded to read them obsessively, in chronological order.

It was like reading a novel that I just couldn't put down, waiting to see what would happen next. Except these chapters were (long-forgotten) memories and the main character was...me!

The journals went as far back as high school and continued on through college, and graduate school. Almost a decade of my life's recorded history.

Many of the entries made me cringe, many more made me laugh. But I learned a few things along the way.

First, I learned that I haven't changed much. As much as I like to think I've become a whole new person; wiser and more self-actualized. What I realized is, at the core, I'm the same person I've always been.  A person who feels first, speaks second, and thinks last. A person with a big heart and an even bigger mouth. And while I'd like to believe I now use this power for good, I know that's not always true.

Another constant are my struggles. The struggles I had then, I still have now. (Food included, my goodness, how many pages did I waste documenting everything I ate and how many times can a person join Weight Watchers!?!?!). Maybe now I handle them better. Maybe now I have more effective strategies and coping mechanisms but my struggles and faults remain a constant.  It reminded me of "A Wrinkle In Time" when one of the Mrs. tells Meg to use her faults and they will help her defeat the IT. Now I can see that these struggles have helped me, and continue to help me. They give me perspective and ground me. They allow me to grow.

My faith has always been a huge part of my life. I was blown away by some of the things I wrote about God when I was younger. It took me a while to recall sneaking out of my apartment on Sunday nights to attend local churches , even after nights of too much booze and too many bad decisions. To me, my faith feels new or at least renewed, but alas, at my core, it's always been there.

Secondly, I felt such gratitude. In those pages were detailed the most "exciting" parts of my life. Adventures and late nights. Dancing until dawn and nights that I'll never remember. Heartbreak and love. Family struggles, bad grades, and difficult decisions about the future. Among those experiences; the good and the bad, were friends. Many of whom I'm blessed to still call friends today. Roommates who dealt with silent-morning Laurie. High School besties who've traveled decades with me. How blessed am I to (continue to) be surrounded by such an amazing group of women...you all know who you are.

And the most important lesson of all is a message to my 20 year old self that this 38 year old version still needs to hear....

It will all be OK

 

 

There was so much angst in those pages. So much worry. What would the future hold? Who would I marry? Would I ever find someone to love me? What I so desperately wanted that girl to know is this....
 

"It will all be OK. As a matter of fact, it will all be so much more than OK. Just go along ,have your fun ,live your life and worry not. The path will reveal itself in time. "

 

I sit here as an almost 40 year old mother of two. And although I've learned to quiet those angsty "what's next?" voices, they are still there. I worry about my kids and their future, I worry about my career. I worry I don't do enough. I worry I play life too small. And yes, I still worry about how much I eat.

 

If this almost 40 year old mother of two learned anything from that 20 year old girl, it is this...
"It will all be OK, just go along and have your fun and live your life. The path will reveal itself in time"

 

Also, stop worrying about how much you eat :)

 





The funny thing about nostalgia

Nostalgia is defined as a sentimental longing or wistful feeling for the past.

And it's a funny thing that nostalgia.

Recently I took a drive by our "old" house. The first house hubby and I purchased together, where we brought home our babies. 

The house I hated and couldn't wait to sell. 

But as I drove by (in a slow, creepy-like manner) I felt a distinct tug on my heart. A nostalgia for this house we used to call home. 

I didn't remember the tiny living room, or the holes in the backyard. I didn't remember the noise from the highway and constant sirens. I just remembered the "homey-ness" of that house. 

 

You're memories of childhood don't include when your brother smacked you with a hockey stick but endless summer days spent in the pool.

Memories of high school are full of laughter and friends and performances, not hormones and angst and always feeling out of place.

It's almost as if nostalgia takes your memories and paints over them with watercolor. So the edges are less defined but the beauty remains. It all looks a little softer when taking the long view.
 

Those not so sunny memories are still there, of course, but when nostalgia hits, they take a back seat to the good stuff. 

In my circle, there is understandably lots of nostalgia around our "pre-children days". When sleep was a familiar concept and we were free as the wind!  When a solo trip to Target feels wasn't the only vacation we enjoyed.

And yet, when you talk to mothers of grown children they say that THIS, NOW- with messy houses and messy diapers- this what they are nostalgic about!

Even now, we stare at the "time hop" photos on Facebook.  Our hearts melt over baby pictures and we wax poetic about our growing-too-quickly children- nostalgia.

In a few short years, we have forgotten the sleepless nights, raging post-partum hormones and bleeding nipples. Nostalgia.

But in the next breath, complain about the mess of toys or the fact that our daughter will be 4 and is still shitting in a pull-up.

Nostalgia tells me we'll laugh at that in no time and probably tell the stories about her potty training tragedies at her high school graduation party.

I have a friend who frequently uses the hashtag "these are the good old days"  to tag pictures and I find it so fitting and so true. 

These are the good old days. At least they will be once that nostalgia hits!
 

So what if, today, we took a look around and soak it in a bit. Let the beauty of today, now- marinate in our hearts. 

The funny thing about nostalgia is you mostly just remember the good stuff, anyway. So why don't we look for all that good stuff today. Before its just a wistful feeling for days gone by.