Investing in you

"Mom guilt" is a serious affliction that is pervasive in our lives and in our culture. It's why mom's (parents- to be fair) ignore their own needs in the face of their children's needs. Its why you'll use a sick day when your child is sick, but force yourself to show up at work when you are ill. It's why we'll spend megabucks on a fancy Easter dress for our daughters and forget that we have nothing to wear.

We give, we prioritize, we sacrifice. It's part of being a parent.

But, what if? What if we put our name back on the to-do list? What if we decided it was OK to invest a bit in ourselves instead of only investing in our kids. What if we decided that we ourselves were worth the time, money, resources we so freely give to them?

What if we decided to stop feeling guilty for all of it, too?

What if?

I think what would happen is that we'd have a generation of happier moms. I think we'd all but put an end to "Mommy wars" and significantly decrease the "mom guilt". I think a society of empowered, balanced women would do a world of good for our universe. I think there would be less "hole filling" and binging on Netflix, or ice cream, or wine, or even prescription drugs and Target trips.

Imagine if we stopped telling the story that to be a "good mother" means you sacrifice yourself in the process.

Imagine, if instead, the story was more about ways to KEEP yourself in the process.

To nourish and invest in the parts of you that bring joy and light and balance.

To allow yourself a few bucks to update your wardrobe, or get a pedicure every two weeks, or join a gym, or take music lessons, or drive the car you really wanted.

I'm not talking about living beyond our means and incurring ridciulous amounts of debt, I'm talking about putting ourselves on the list.

I'm talking about realizing it's OK to invest in yourselves just as you do for karate or gymnastics or Little League or Lacrosse (lessons, equipment, uniforms, fundraisers, etc etc etc). Because the truth is we do it for them without even blinking an eye. We do it for them without question or pause.

Why don't we deserve the same?

When we give and give and give of ourselves,we end up with an empty cup. We end up bitter and angry and feeling like we need fill ourselves up again. But usually, with the wrong kind of stuff.

Keeping ourselves on the list and filling up that cup on a regular basis will help to ensure that our cup never runs dry.

 

I'm obsessed with the gas gauge in my car. It may be because I ran out of gas in a friend's car as a teenager. Even 20 years later, I rarely let my tank go under 1/4 full. In fact, I usually fill up on Sunday's even when I don't "need" it. My husband thinks I'm nuts.

But maybe my gas tank approach would be an excellent way to approach the rest of our lives. If we remember to regularly fill ourselves up, whether we "need" it or not, it may prevent us from being stuck on the side of the road waiting for a rescue.

It may prevent us from screaming at our husbands, or children, or co-workers, or strangers on the internet because our tank is full- or at least 1/2 full.

It may make us more likely to extend kindness and compassion instead of anger and hostility.

And wouldn't that be so much nicer.

So, I encourage you moms- put yourselves back on the list. Sign up for that spin class, or book a facial. Go buy a fabulous new dress or those expensive shoes. Or just go for a walk, alone, and  take some deep breaths. Call a friend and arrange a play-date for YOU!

Fill your tank, invest in you. Don't wait until your broken down on the side of the road. Instead, start today and make it a habit. 

  Oh yeah, and screw the guilt!

Filling the hole

Most recently, I've begun to realize that ideas and pearls of wisdom seem to present themselves in themes.

And if I'm being honest- most often, these "themes" are exactly the things I need to be hearing and working on.

These themes come from podcasts I listen to, or books I'm reading or even an article on Facebook. But the connections are undeniable.

Enter- the hole.

As I started to examine and try to understand my tendency to binge eat, I first described it as "trying to fill the hole". I wasn't sure what the hole was, at first, but that's what it felt like. Digging and digging- except that it didn't really work. That hole was never full no matter how many cookies I ate.

Then, last week I re-read an article about addiction from Huffington Post last year. I loved this article and shared it with many people who were affected by addiction.

http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/the-real-cause-of-addicti_b_6506936.html

This article proposes that it's connection (or lack their of) that reinforces drug addiction. Humans have an innate need to feel connected and in the absence of a human connection will find anything to connect to- even if it's a needle. 

They are filling their "hole" with drugs. And anyone can open a newspaper and read of the devastating consequences of this desire to fill. 

Today I listened to a podcast from Ruth Soukup of Living Well, Spending Less and I heard the same message but this time- with shopping . We shop, for ourselves and our children, not because we need things but because we're trying to fill that hole. 

This struck a chord with me because not 24 hours ago I had a "Target binge". Ya know, when you go to Target for one thing and come out $150 dollars later. There are countless memes about this floating around the Internet, so I know I'm in good company!

I was filling the "hole" with stuff. Stuff that made me so happy while carrying it in my little red basket, but not so happy when I saw the damage! 

At this point in our lives, it's not about being able to "afford" a $150 Target binge, it's about the stark realization that it didn't fill the hole. 

Just like the cookies.

And the booze.

And the heroin.

And the mind-numbing social media browsing.

In fact, I would argue that nothing fills that hole.

Nothing fills that hole because there is no hole. 

When I first started recognizing and working to remediate my binge eating- I would use the mantra "this isn't going to fill the hole, Laurie" and that helped me. It allowed me to pause and examine what what really going on.

Recently, after much work, my mantra has changed to "There is no hole to fill, Laurie, you are already whole."

This mindset shift has been almost a relief. A relief in knowing that I am whole and enough. It has been a gift.

But clearly not magic as evidenced by my Target binge!

However, as soon as I heard that podcast this morning- I made the connection in the disconnection. 

I recognized my spending behavior as "hole filling". But I know from experience, there are no amount of Target trips that will fill that hole.

I need to pause and examine the "why" of my spending.

I need to do the things that make me feel whole. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not endorsing life as an eclesiastic monk. But for me, knowing I'm whole is much more fulfilling than trying to fill that hole. 

I can still shop and eat cookies and drink-  but do so mindfully. Do so because it enhances my life rather than just in an attempt at filling it.

 Do so because it brings me joy. 

My "aha" moment this morning pointed out that though I've done some work, more is left to be done. There is still a disconnection in my life because I'm still perceiving the "hole" and not the whole. 

The only remedy for this is connection. To  family, to friends, to humanity, to God. The only remedy is to reach out and look up. To make an effort to connect and to see the connections that are all around me.

So the universe has handed me my next to-do list, better get to work!